Thoughts on Christmas

I have always loved Christmas.  Everything about it makes me happy.  As we head into the week of Christmas I've spent time reflecting on what Christmas will be like this year.  This Christmas time is bringing about different emotions than I have felt during any Christmas before.  Jordan and I won't be woken up by a child excited to see what Santa brought them or even to the sound of a baby waking up to be fed.  We have been through a lot of ups and down this year dealing with infertility and changes in our hopes and dreams.  We also have the loss we face with not having Cooper here to celebrate his first Christmas with us.  I know that Kyle and Lindsay will have a tough time with Christmas this year and my heart breaks for them.  Our family Christmas will look a little different this year.
As you prepare for Christmas this year don't worry about how many gifts you need to buy for your kids.  Don't spend all of your time out shopping and spending all of your money on presents.  Spend your time making memories with your children.  Enjoy every moment that you have with them.  They need your presence more than presents.  When your children are older they won't look back and remember how many gifts were under the tree, but how you took the time to make a gingerbread house, or sing Christmas carols, or spent the evening driving around looking at Christmas lights.  I know that some of my best memories of Christmas involve the things I did with my family.  So when your children wake you up before the sun rises on Christmas morning with so much anticipation remember those that are just wishing to have that too.  May this Christmas be the beginning of new traditions, making memories, and spending time with the ones you love.  Merry Christmas from the Kesners.

Optimistic

Well the time has come.  We reached the end of our two weeks on Saturday and I was able to take a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  Through these past two weeks Jordan and I have been very optimistic.  We have prayed and begged to God that this time would work.  Every morning during my quite time I would pour out my heart and my desire to experience pregnancy.  This time around it just felt different.  We discussed how and when we were going to tell our families.  We had started making plans like it was really happening.  On Friday night we talked with each other about how we were felling.  We knew the next morning would end our wishful thinking time and come about what the truth really was.  We were both so nervous about it.  We had enjoyed this wait a little more, even with the fact we had both been sick.
Saturday morning arrived.  I didn't set my alarm because I wanted to try to get as much sleep as possible (I knew Saturday would be a long day helping with my cousin's wedding).  I woke up early, of course.  I laid in bed for a while thinking.  I wanted to take the test to see a positive, but I was afraid to take it and see a negative.  After about 30 minutes of laying there I finally got up.  Jordan was still sleeping so I quietly went in the bathroom.  I sat waiting for the time to pass and not looking at the test until I knew it had been the time it needed to be.  I saw just that one line staring back at me.  My heart sank.  Those hopes were gone and replaced with the reality that it didn't happen.  I crawled back into bed and shared the news with Jordan.
Jordan and I started our duties of helping with the wedding at noon on Saturday so we spent the morning talking, crying, and sleeping.  I knew that with everything that was going to happen the rest of the day I needed to get my tears out so that I could spend the afternoon and evening celebrating.
As you know from our last post, we are know taking a break from doctors and procedures.  We have been through a lot these past two years.  We have experienced stress both financially and emotionally.  We have grown closer to each other.  We have continued to learn how to fully lean into God for strength.  Our lives have forever been impacted by this journey.  We are excited to see how God will use these experiences in our lives.  We have several thoughts on what we will do now.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Some days are harder to get through than others.  We have different options we are discussing and praying about.  Thank you for all of the support you have shown us through this.

Here we go

This week has been full of emotions.  Wednesday Jordan and I went to the doctor for our follicle measuring appointment.  My follicles were not measuring large enough. They beloved that we were just a couple days early. We scheduled another appointment for Friday. My follicles had grown and were large enough to do the trigger shot. Today we are doing our 5th IUI (3rd with this doctor).  Going through another IUI we are filled with the normal emotions as we had for the other ones, but we also have some more this time.  Jordan and I have decided that if this IUI doesn't work we will be taking a break for a while.  We have been through several IUIs and with that comes a lot of emotions and a lot of expenses.  The whole process has become draining on both of our emotions and our finances.  We have enjoyed the journey we have been on and all the learning experiences we have had.  We don't want people to think we are giving up but we know that right now we just can't go through any more.

So as we go into today and the next two weeks I ask that you keep us in your prayers.  We would love for this time to work and not have to worry about taking a break.  We would love to be able to report back to you in two weeks that we are pregnant.  We know that the chance is still there for it not to work and that we may have a longer wait ahead of us.  Pray that we have the patience we need to make it through the wait.

Dealing with infertility is hard.  It's hard to explain to others what you are feeling and for them to sympathize with you if they haven't experienced it themselves.  I want to share this quote that someone else had posted on Facebook to help a little.  "Infertility is a loss.  It's the loss of a dream.  It's the loss of an assumed future.  And, like every loss, it will be grieved."

Another round gone by

There has been a little more time pass since my last post.  If you pay attention to the time lines and how long it has been since the last post then you know something had to happen.  Well, something did.  When I talked to the nurse about going through our second round of IUI with them we didn't set the appointment for our ultrasound like we did the time before.  I just went along taking my medicine and tracking my days.  We also spent that next week on vacation so my mind was on vacation too and not thinking about going back to the doctor.  When I finally realized it was getting close to the day I should have my ultrasound I called my nurse.  She was on vacation too!  When we were finally able to talk it was already day 12 (which is when they like to do the ultrasound) so she said we had to do it the next day.  It felt like we had been thrown into a whirlwind.  I had to make sure I could get off work and have everything taken care of.  We had to pack since we stay overnight in Indy.  We had to line someone up to watch over our precious Otis. And we told just our immediate family.  We decided that since we had not told anyone but family we were going to leave it that way until the two week wait was over.  When other family or friends asked we just said we were in a waiting period.  On August 5th we went for the ultrasound.  I had a large measuring follicle on both ovaries so the nurse was very pleased and said we would be able to do the IUI the next day.  I had my progesterone shot and we were sent on our way.  The next morning we went in with very high spirits.  Everything looked good for Jordan and the IUI went well.  Later that day I was able to share with the nurse my progesterone levels from the tried IUI before.  With the levels that I had so said I would need to take a supplement to help raise my levels of progesterone in order for me to actually conceive.  Today marked the end of the two week wait.  Jordan and I have been so excited to do the pregnancy test.  We felt more confident about this one and couldn't wait.  Unfortunately I only got 1 line.  It is amazing to me how your spirits can be crushed from that one line.  You sit looking, thinking maybe the second line just takes longer to appear.  You walk away and come back, thinking maybe it changed and there is a second line now.  The second line never showed up.

We will go on.  We will try one more IUI before we do something else.  We will continue to enjoy the time we get with just the two of us (and Otis).  We will keep praying and trusting that God has his hand in this.  We will be strong for each other.  We will live each day to its fullest.  Something I have come to realize even more over this last month is to enjoy every single moment of every single day.  Live life and spend time with those you love.  We will do just that.

Jordan and I have been doing a devotional together from a book entitled "Moments for Couples Who Long for Children."  I want to leave you with a verse that I have heard many times before but in this situation I have been clinging to.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8

The 2 week wait is over

A little over two weeks ago Jordan and I did our first IUI with our new doctor and the third IUI since we started this.  Let me say that these past two weeks have been some of the hardest times we've ever had to deal with.  Our two week wait was not on our minds because our hearts were breaking for our family.  Our precious little nephew went into the hospital during our first week.  He went through a lot of testing until we were finally given the news that he was not going to make it.  Our family gathered around to be with our precious Cooper, my brother, and sister-in-law.  The second week of our wait was spent grieving.  We lost Cooper just 2 days before he would be three months old.  It is one of the hardest weeks I have ever been through.  On Thursday we had a celebration of Cooper's life...a very long, emotional day.  The next day, Friday, marked two weeks from our IUI.  I woke up with a bad feeling about it.  I took the pregnancy test and set it down to wait.  I watched as only one line showed up and there was no sign of the second line appearing.  I knew in my gut that it was going to be negative, and my gut was right.  I felt defeated.  I prayed that God would just give me the strength to make it through the day.  Fortunately, I had a busy day ahead of me at work and it took my mind right off of it.  As I started to look back at the last two weeks I would think did I do something wrong to make it not work: was my stress level too high, were my emotions too much, did I mess with things at work that I shouldn't have, did I eat food I wasn't supposed to.  I just seemed to blame myself for the fact that it didn't work.  My struggle through this whole process has been with blaming myself instead of trusting that God is in control.  I am asking that you pray along with me that I may be able to keep trusting God and putting all my faith in him.  The doctor is having us go through the same process again so it will be another week before anything new happens.

Here we go

I have felt like I've been sitting on the edge waiting for our appointment today...waiting to find out if the higher dosage worked and if we would be able to try an IUI. We were very hopeful walking into the appointment today. They started looking at my follicles and measuring them. (If you have ever looked at a synogram before you know that it is so hard to really know what you are looking at but I sure did try!) After she was done she told me I had a couple good ones, with one measuring 18.4 (18 or larger is what they look for). I couldn't hide my excitement and Jordan couldn't either. They then had to give me an HCG shot which will allow my body to release the egg. Tomorrow morning we will go back in to have the IUI. We are so very excited about it. The excitement for this IUI is very different. We have more confidence in where my body is in the process. We have more support and prayer from so many friends and family that is immeasurable! So as we go in to tomorrow we ask that you keep us in your prayers and thank you for the support you have continued to give us in such a short time! We are so thankful for all the people God has placed in our lives and this journey he is leading us on. 

Follicles and medicine

Yesterday we made the trip over to Carmel again.  When I woke up in the morning I was feeling very hopeful for what would happen.  I was cramping and feeling bloated which lead me to believe that was a good sign.  Our appointment was in the afternoon so I had all morning to think about it.  When it finally came time to do the ultrasound I was very ready.  The technician was great with explaining what she was doing and pointing out what we were looking at.  She went about measuring my follicles (A pocket of fluid in which the egg resides).  After she was done she showed me what the results were for the measurements of my largest follicles.  I didn't really know what the sizes meant but they sounded good.  She then said to wait in the room and the nurse would come talk to us about the next step.  We waited for a while longer than we thought we would.  When the nurse finally came in she told us that my follicles were not measuring large enough to do an IUI.  It was a big let down.  She then said that we would try a round of Letrozole again but with a higher dosage.  The positive note on not having a regular period and trying another round of Letrozole, I get to start right away with taking the medicine instead of waiting until day 3 of my cycle.  We will be going back to the doctor on the 10th to have another ultrasound and see if the higher dosage worked.  If the follicles measure large enough we will hopefully be doing an IUI the following day.  I'm excited that we are moving so quickly from one thing to the next.  I am still very encouraged and so glad we are meeting with a specialist now.

Up to date

I want to start off today by saying thank you to everyone that has sent us words of encouragement since yesterday.  When I decided to share our story I was nervous because I didn't want sympathy from everyone but rather a strong support system and prayer group to help us through this.
I started my first round of Clomid in November.  Our three months of trying Clomid and tracking my ovulation turned into 5 months.  One of the effects that PCOS has on your body is irregular periods.  Even with me taking Clomid my body would not have a period on its own.  This lead to me having false hopes of being pregnant and then finding out I wasn't.  I then had to go back to taking a medicine that would force my body to have a period again.  I went back to meet with Dr. Isaacs on March 20.  We discussed how my periods were still irregular and I had not even compled the third round of trying.  She decided that since I was just weeks away from ovulation again we would go straight to trying an IUI.
On April 2 we tried our first IUI with Dr. Isaacs.  It was nerve racking but felt like a big step.  The next two weeks felt like they drug on waiting to see if it worked.  Unfortunately it didn't work.  What was surprising though was the fact that I actually had a period, on my own, without medicine!  Dr. Isaacs said we would try one more IUI with Clomid before sending us on.  On May 2 we went in for our second IUI with Dr. Isaacs.  Two weeks later we were disappointed and discouraged again.  My heart was broken and I couldn't hold back the tears.  I know that God has this all in his control but its so hard to really see that when you're in the middle of it.  It was time to call Dr. Isaacs office and let them know that the IUI didn't work.  She recommended us to a specialist in Carmel.
On June 10 Jordan and I met with Dr. Will at Midwest Fertility Specialist.  Nervous and anxious we sat in the room waiting for him to come in.  We loved our meeting with Dr. Will and think we will get along great with him.  We discussed everything we had been through and what tests had been done.  His recommendation was to try Letrozole to start my ovulation, checking my follicles at the time I should ovulate, and doing an IUI.  It's hard for me to say yes to another IUI when we have already had 2 failed ones.  I have to remind myself that this one is a little different.  The ones before I was tracking my own ovulation with at home kits, where this one they will actually check and make sure I am even going to ovulate correctly.  I can say that I am hopeful that being with a specialist will help in the process.  It doesn't make the process easier or the questions of "When are you having kids" any less painful.  Jordan and I pray daily in this process asking God to give us patience and a peace of mind in this whole journey.  My next appointment is on June 30 where they will check my follicles.  We are praying for good news!

Letting you in on our journey

Jordan and I have decided its time to let everyone else in on our current struggle.  Jordan and I have spent the last year dealing with infertility.  It's hard to deal with alone so we've decided to let everyone else in on it.  We welcome your prayer and support as we continue on this journey.  Back in October I typed something just to get my feelings out.  I wanted to share that here in the first post and tomorrow I will bring you up to date on our journey.

October 29, 2013

My husband (Jordan) and I are embarking on a new journey together.  This is a journey that I would be completely fine not telling anyone about; but Jordan seems to want to talk about it with everyone.  I have decided that maybe it is best that I share my thoughts and feelings throughout the journey as well.  I know it is a journey that many couples go through, more than I ever thought.  The fact that our journey may help one other couple deal with theirs makes it better for me to share.

Jordan and I were married on March 3, 2012. We both love kids and have always known we wanted to have kids.  We started talking about when we would try to have kids before we were even married.  Once we returned from our honeymoon the discussion of kids became almost a weekly discussion.  I was already 27 at this time and knew that if we planned on having more than one child we should start trying sooner than later.  In August of 2012 we decided that it was time to stop preventing pregnancy.  About two months into it I thought I would get pregnant within the next month or so.  I went through several pregnancy tests at different times with them all being negative.  As the time went on it became more discouraging to me.  I got to the point where I couldn’t stand to get on Facebook or Instagram and see other girls post about being pregnant or having their baby.  I just kept thinking to myself why them, why not me.  I spent many nights crying and feeling bad for myself.  I knew that we would probably end up talking about infertility with the doctor and I dreaded finding out what could be wrong.  I finally scheduled an appointment for October 3, 2013.  At this time we had “been trying” for a little over a year.  When meeting with the doctor she asked me a few questions that might help her determine what could be wrong.  She then sent me off for lots of blood tests and a sample cup for Jordan (he was oh so excited about this).  I also had to schedule an appointment to have a sonogram done of my uterus and ovaries so they could check those for issues.  A week after my initial appointment I returned to the office for my sonogram and test results.  After the sonogram was done I sat in the waiting room, watching and listening to so many pregnant women around me.  I felt like time was dragging on.  I finally got called back to speak with my doctor.  My doctor shared with me that they had discovered a lot of little cyst all around my ovaries.  My blood results showed an increase in my insulin levels and a higher fasting cholesterol level.  She shared that all of these were signs that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  I had no idea what that was or what exactly it meant.  She tried to tell me a little about it but all I could do was repeat PCOS in my head so I could remember what it was.  She then told me about Jordan’s sample and that it all looked ok.  She went on to tell me that I had a couple options to try to get pregnant.  I had a medicine I could take that will help to control my insulin levels which in return should help my body to ovulate normally again.  She then gave me the option to try a three month term of Clomid.  The Clomid option was a more aggressive option.  I knew right away that Clomid was going to be what I did.  I left the appointment feeling very hopeful.  I called Jordan to let him know what the news was and what we had to do now.  I then went straight home to goggle PCOS and find out just what exactly I had.  As I started reading more details and the risks with pregnancy, my hopefulness dwindled.  I read about how long couples tried to get pregnant and then when they finally did get pregnant they had a miscarriage.  They talked about the higher chance for a miscarriage if you have PCOS and a higher chance for premature delivery.  So now I’m going to work so hard to get pregnant and then have a high risk of losing my baby.  I felt defeated.  I have longed to be a mom and to feel my baby kick and move around inside me. 

Two weeks after my appointment I went back for a blood test to make sure I wasn't pregnant.  The doctor then prescribed me a medicine that would force my body to have a period.  On day 5 of my period I will begin my first round of Clomid.  I’m nervous for these next three months.  Afraid that the outcome won’t be what we want.  Scared that I will have to go through another three months and soon another birthday without having that child I so dearly want. 

After our three months of Clomid the doctor wants us to come back to see her if we aren't pregnant.  She said we would then have to look at doing insemination.  This scares me a little.  What are the costs?  Will we be able to afford it?  So many questions and worries go through my mind each day.  I pray that God will carry us though this entire journey and give me comfort when things don’t work out.