October 29, 2013
My husband (Jordan) and I are embarking
on a new journey together. This is a
journey that I would be completely fine not telling anyone about; but Jordan
seems to want to talk about it with everyone.
I have decided that maybe it is best that I share my thoughts and
feelings throughout the journey as well.
I know it is a journey that many couples go through, more than I ever
thought. The fact that our journey may
help one other couple deal with theirs makes it better for me to share.
Jordan and I were married on March 3, 2012. We both love kids and have always
known we wanted to have kids. We started
talking about when we would try to have kids before we were even married. Once we returned from our honeymoon the
discussion of kids became almost a weekly discussion. I was already 27 at this time and knew that
if we planned on having more than one child we should start trying sooner than
later. In August of 2012 we decided that
it was time to stop preventing pregnancy.
About two months into it I thought I would get pregnant within the next
month or so. I went through several
pregnancy tests at different times with them all being negative. As the time went on it became more
discouraging to me. I got to the point
where I couldn’t stand to get on Facebook or Instagram and see other girls post
about being pregnant or having their baby.
I just kept thinking to myself why them, why not me. I spent many nights crying and feeling bad
for myself. I knew that we would
probably end up talking about infertility with the doctor and I dreaded finding
out what could be wrong. I finally
scheduled an appointment for October 3, 2013.
At this time we had “been trying” for a little over a year. When meeting with the doctor she asked me a
few questions that might help her determine what could be wrong. She then sent me off for lots of blood tests
and a sample cup for Jordan (he was oh so excited about this). I also had to schedule an appointment to have
a sonogram done of my uterus and ovaries so they could check those for
issues. A week after my initial
appointment I returned to the office for my sonogram and test results. After the
sonogram was done I sat in the waiting room, watching and listening to so many
pregnant women around me. I felt like
time was dragging on. I finally got
called back to speak with my doctor. My
doctor shared with me that they had discovered a lot of little cyst all around
my ovaries. My blood results showed an
increase in my insulin levels and a higher fasting cholesterol level. She shared that all of these were signs that
I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).
I had no idea what that was or what exactly it meant. She tried to tell me a little about it but
all I could do was repeat PCOS in my head so I could remember what it was. She then told me about Jordan’s sample and that it all looked ok. She went on
to tell me that I had a couple options to try to get pregnant. I had a medicine I could take that will help
to control my insulin levels which in return should help my body to ovulate
normally again. She then gave me the
option to try a three month term of Clomid.
The Clomid option was a more aggressive option. I knew right away that Clomid was going to be
what I did. I left the appointment
feeling very hopeful. I called Jordan to
let him know what the news was and what we had to do now. I then went straight home to goggle PCOS and
find out just what exactly I had. As I
started reading more details and the risks with pregnancy, my hopefulness
dwindled. I read about how long couples
tried to get pregnant and then when they finally did get pregnant they had a
miscarriage. They talked about the
higher chance for a miscarriage if you have PCOS and a higher chance for
premature delivery. So now I’m going to
work so hard to get pregnant and then have a high risk of losing my baby. I felt defeated. I have longed to be a mom and to feel my baby
kick and move around inside me.
Two weeks after my appointment I went back for a blood test to make sure I wasn't pregnant. The doctor then prescribed me a medicine that would force my body to have a period. On
day 5 of my period I will begin my first round of Clomid. I’m nervous for these next three months. Afraid that the outcome won’t be what we
want. Scared that I will have to go
through another three months and soon another birthday without having that
child I so dearly want.
After our three months of Clomid the
doctor wants us to come back to see her if we aren't pregnant. She said we would then have to look at doing
insemination. This scares me a
little. What are the costs? Will we be able to afford it? So many questions and worries go through my
mind each day. I pray that God will
carry us though this entire journey and give me comfort when things don’t work
out.
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