Blessings

It has been just over a year since I last updated the blog.  Man what a crazy year it has been.  I decided it was time for a quick update of this past year.
Just a little over a year ago our adoption agency came out with the option that we could find our own birth mom and in return save thousands of dollars.  Jordan and I decided that we could take that route.  We knew we needed to find a way to market ourselves and thought a video about us would be perfect.  I put a post on Facebook asking for someone that may be able to help us shoot the video or piece it together.  Our amazing wedding videographers reached out to us and said they wanted to help.  It was truly a blessing to hear from them.  We set up a day to do all the shooting and asked our family to take part in it.  About a month or so later we were sent the link to watch the video.  I got teary eyed watching and thinking this is what the mother of our future child will see to pick us to be the parents. It was a perfect portrayal of us and our family.  We immediately started sharing the video with friends and family and through Facebook.  Our hope was that enough people would share it that eventually it would be seen by just the right person.  We waited and waited...we have become very good waiters (kind of).  Every month or so we would re-share the video to get people thinking about it again.  When December came and we knew we would be going through another Christmas childless we were disappointed.  We continued to pray and hold out hope that our child would one day be in our arms.  As the new year began I slowly started losing hope.  I didn't share this with anyone because I felt I always needed to put on the positive face and show I was trusting God.  I had some really hard Sundays at church.  On March 19 I remember Pastor Scot getting up and saying he felt there were some people at church that day that really needed prayer for something hard they were struggling with.  I knew that was me.  At this point I had begin to think that Jordan and I may never be parents.  I thought maybe God has other plans for us and I am just going to have to learn to live like this.  Scot asked anyone that needed that extra prayer to raise their hand and he would pray.  My hand went up and I sat there trying to hold back tears.  I so desperately wanted to be a mom and for so many years now I had been praying I was sure he just wasn't listening anymore.  After that Sunday I started working on getting my hope back.
Here is a little from Jordan before we move on. We have been on a crazy journey. I can't express how grateful I am to be on this journey with her. Since I have not shared anything on here before I am starting from the beginning. I truly hope this helps any guys out there going through a similar situation. As much as it hurt me on the inside I knew that I had to be support for Alysha. When we first talked about starting our family I was excited for the thought of holding our little one. When we went through all the infertility treatments with no success it was difficult. People would continue to ask how it was going. I would answer with oh it is going well just waiting. That got old really quick. It hurt really bad to not be able to see the treatment be successful. We decided to stop spending our money on the treatments and pursue a different avenue of adoption. I was eager to start that process and hoped that it would go quickly. NOPE, we had more waiting and waiting. I don't like talking about my feelings and it truly hurt inside to have to wait as long as we did. I like to fix things and I could not fix this situation. I had to trust God's plan. I continued to try and figure out ways to fix it. We started helping with the youth at the 12 Points campus of Maryland. One of the Sundays we had to meet after service so we decided to attend the service at 12 Points for the first time. Chad, the worship leader, felt led to pray for a miracle over everyone. That's when I felt God tell me it was going to be okay. I felt Him just take it all from me. I was not worried about it anymore. I knew God had it all worked out.
So on March 22 I told Jordan I had some symptoms of pregnancy.  He told me I needed to take a pregnancy test to find out.  I was so hesitant to take one though because I have had so many failed ones before.  Looking at one line on a pregnancy test just disappoints me more.  He stopped that day and picked one up.  The morning of March 23 I took the test.  Jordan stood right there in the bathroom with me before he left for work.  He said he couldn't leave without knowing.  I sat there, still half asleep, and looked over at the test to see two lines.  I thought my sleepy eyes were playing tricks on me so I picked it up to look closer.  I looked at Jordan and said, "That's positive."  We both were in shock.  I got ready for work and ran to the clinic for blood work that morning.  When we got the news that the blood work came back positive we were both still in shock.  I was afraid to get my hopes up that something could still happen but yet I was jumping for joy on the inside.
Many people have asked us what we did different this time.  The answer is nothing.  We were still on the track for adoption.  God decided to surprise us with this little blessing.  There are many times when I think about family or friends that have and still are suffering through infertility.  I always think why did God decide to bless us while they still have to suffer.  I have really struggled with this. I have had some people ask why I don't post more pictures on Facebook and I can tell you that I am doing it for the protection of my Facebook friends that are still waiting for their blessing.  I know that many of them are happy with us but I also know that with each picture it can put a little damper on their waiting.

Jordan and I found out that we will be having a precious baby girl.  Her name will be Grace Ann Kesner.  We continue to pray for Grace every night that God will use her life as an example of his love and faithfulness.  We don't know what Grace will do in the future but we have a feeling that God has something wonderful in store for her and there is a reason we waited 5 years for her to join our family!

Father's Day and Adoption Update

It has been waaay too long since I have updated everyone on the adoption process.  I also have been thinking about Father's Day tomorrow so I have some thoughts to share on that!

First I want to talk a little about Father's Day.  As we go into Father's Day tomorrow I would love for you all to pray for those guys out there that are not fathers yet but have that longing and desire within them to one day have children.  So many times the women that suffer with infertility and the desire to be a mom are talked and thought about...but what about the men!  Our world has put so much pressure on men to be strong and show no emotion but what do they do when they are hurting?  So many people forget about the fact that with that infertile woman comes a man that desires to hear their child yell "Daddy I need you" from the other room, or to push their child off on their bike for the first time without training wheels, or teach them how to throw that perfect curve ball.  That man not only has those desires to be a father, but also has the burden he carries to want to take care of his wife and make her a mom.  The man puts on a happy face because he isn't supposed to cry, but on the inside he is hurting because another failed pregnancy test has come and he is the one there to comfort his wife.  My hope is that tomorrow you will remember these men and pray that they can one day celebrate Father's Day with a precious child in their arms.

Now for the adoption update!  We completed our giant stack of paperwork, interviews and even a visit and review of our house to finally have our completed home study!  The agency asked that we have all of the money in place for our placement fee before going active with the agency.  When we received this news we started working on grants and also selling our adoption shirts.  This week brought even more news for us to share with you though.  Our agency is adding another program we can choose to do now.  This program will save us thousands of dollars should we be able to do it.  This program will require the help from YOU!  Our agency is allowing us to market ourselves to birth moms.  What does this mean?  This means that instead of our agency showing our bio to birth moms we are in charge of finding our own birth mom.  This is where all of you come into play!  The best way to share about our story and our search for a birth mom is through word of mouth.  We are asking that all of our friends and family help us find our birth mom.  If you have a woman that is considering adoption we would be happy to talk with her and share our bio with her.  If she chooses to go forward with the adoption with us she would be able to have the help and support from our agency free of charge for her.  If you have any questions or would like a copy of our bio to show someone please email me at alyshak33@gmail.com.  Also, if you haven't ordered an adoption shirt and would still like one please let me know!  Here is a picture of what they look like:

I hope that you all have a wonderful Father's Day!

Rough Patch

We had our second fundraising yard sale a little over three weeks ago.  It was a great success and we have plenty of items left to try one more yard sale this fall.  If you have items be sure to let us know!!

The past couple weeks have been rough.  Going through different life situations and talking with different family and friends I try my best to describe or explain what it is like for us.  I never feel I can accurately let others know though.  I also have come to know that even though I try my best to explain to others what we are feeling it will never be enough.  If you have not experienced infertility personally you really don't completely understand the feelings.  I just recently came across this blog post from Elisha over on waitingforbabybird.com.  I am begging all of our friends and family to really take the time to read it.  Don't just skim over it but take the time to read the words and try to imagine yourself going through this.

Infertility is More than Just the Inability to Conceive…

I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been traveling this journey for months or even years.  But I think we can all agree that it is tough.  Really tough.  And when I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. Were you?  Because for me, I was naive.  I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying. And rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now?  Four years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused?  And then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage?  And I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same.  Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive…

Because I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month. And it’s almost like a grave that keeps following you around as it grabs your hope and swallows, even buries more and more of your dreams with each failed cycle. It’s a fierce battle between your hope, your faith and your circumstances.  A battle you must fight to win every day. And a battle that is exhausting.

Infertility is letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents.  But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test.  It’s going from shock after seeing only one line.  To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other.  All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible.  And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t.  And possibly won’t.  At least not this time.  It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month.  And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again.  Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not.  Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight.  Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.

It is watching your life be put on hold.  Or even pushed backwards.  It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe.  And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy.  Or punished for some past sin.

Infertility is a disease.  Yes, a disease that often times makes you feel different.  Alone.  Insecure.  Embarrassed. Forgotten.  Broken.  And Overlooked.  It makes you avoid the ones you love and doubt the God you serve.  It suffocates your hope.  Weakens your faith.  And steals your joy.  It makes you feel helpless as there is little you can do to change your condition.  And if there is?  You have tried it.

It’s sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery.  It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from the pitter patters of tiny feet in the morning or giggles from bath time at night.  It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every vitamin recommended, test suggested, treatment procedure offered, medicine given, and diet instructed.

Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love.  It’s dreaming of the day you are able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store.  It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared to death that this dream might never happen.

It’s breaking down and purchasing the blanket…that one soft blanket you absolutely fell in love with in the store. And it’s bringing it home and holding it up to your cheek while laying in bed and wondering.  Wondering if it will ever be used for something other than to soak up your tears every night.

Infertility is begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you.  But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t.  It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best.  His timing is perfect.  And that it will happen.  One day…you hope.  It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to me despite my feelings and circumstances.  All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such a blessing.  It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating.  It’s gut-wrenching…

And it’s more than just the inability to conceive. 

Another step closer

Two weeks ago today I was busy pricing and sorting items for our yard sale.  I was so anxious for our first big fundraiser event for our adoption.  For over two weeks our dining and living rooms become flooded with items that people were donating for our yard sale.  As the items started coming in I started to get excited that we were actually going to have some items to sell.  As the days went on and more people started to drop items off our house seemed to grow smaller and smaller.  As our house was growing smaller our hearts were growing bigger.  With every drop off we could feel the love more and more.  As I sorted through more items than I could count I was just amazed.  People we didn't even know were giving us items to sell.  Our hearts were already so full going into Friday morning.

Friday started out way too early but we managed to get everything out and set up in time.  As I stood looking over all the tables and 2 1/2 yards that were filled up I was amazed.  As the hours flashed by I was overwhelmed with the amount of people that stopped.  One of my favorite memories from Friday's sale was a lady that came to pay for her items and asked if I was the adopting mom.  When I told her yes she thanked me for what I was doing and told me that she is a birth mom.  She gave us a little extra money than what she owed and a big hug.  At that moment I was reminded that this is something truly amazing.  Friday's sale included a lemonade stand by our niece and nephew and some cotton candy attempts by Jordan and our friend, Mike.  We had such beautiful weather and fun times on the first day!
Saturday started out just as early as Friday but it seemed a whole lot harder to wake up!  Thankfully we had a successful day on Friday so Saturday begin with fewer items.  Saturday's sale started out a little slower than Friday but started picking up late morning.  My dad enjoyed manning the grill and selling his famous hot dogs!  Saturday I was touched by someone who just walked up to me and handed me money and said, "I saw your sign and just wanted to give this to you."  I don't know his story or why he felt the need to give to our adoption but it really meant a lot.
After the two days were over we were exhausted but filled with so much joy.  We couldn't have pulled this successful yard sale off without the help of friends and family assisting with the sale and all the wonderful people who donated their unused items to the sale.  Our love tanks were overflowing!  We will hopefully be doing another yard sale this summer so if you missed out on the first one you can catch us again soon!
On the adoption side of things we are so excited for next week.  We have raised enough money to cover our first step of the adoption and start the home study process!  We are currently becoming pros at filling out paperwork and learning all about our extended family.  So stick with us as we take this next step and hold more fundraisers!

The Next Step

I've been struggling with the start of this post.  I type something then delete it, and repeat.  For the past three weeks I have been wanting to post and think about what I want to say.  So now that I sit here to type it everything is trying to come out at once...and I never said I was a good writer!!  Jordan and I celebrated our anniversary this past month and were reminded how lucky we are to have each other.  Through this past year we have been through a lot of trials that only helped us grow stronger together.  We love every moment we have together.  I also turned 30 in March!  It was a bittersweet day.  I hear all these people say that their 30s are their best years, but I'm entering them still childless.  I know there are a lot of couples that don't have kids until after 30 but growing up that is never what I had envisioned and it was hard.
Since talking a break from infertility doctors and treatments Jordan and I have done a lot of praying and talking.  We begin doing some research on adoption and seeing how that may fit into our lives.  Our hearts were being changed and God was leading us down a different path.  We have now met with two different adoption agencies and decided this is for us!  We are so very excited to announce we are in the beginning steps of adopting!!  As I sat listening to them tell stories about birth mothers and what they had been through, or stories of the adoptive parents getting the child they had so desperately been waiting for, I started seeing Jordan and I standing there in the hospital holding our own precious new baby.  It finally hit me that I can still be a mom and God will still fulfill the desires of my heart.  So as we embark on this new exciting journey we are asking for your help.  There are many expenses that come along with adoption.  So if you feel it in your heart to help us out in any way you can just head on over here!  Please know that we will be forever grateful for anything you can do.  So cheers to The Kesners + 1!

Thoughts on Christmas

I have always loved Christmas.  Everything about it makes me happy.  As we head into the week of Christmas I've spent time reflecting on what Christmas will be like this year.  This Christmas time is bringing about different emotions than I have felt during any Christmas before.  Jordan and I won't be woken up by a child excited to see what Santa brought them or even to the sound of a baby waking up to be fed.  We have been through a lot of ups and down this year dealing with infertility and changes in our hopes and dreams.  We also have the loss we face with not having Cooper here to celebrate his first Christmas with us.  I know that Kyle and Lindsay will have a tough time with Christmas this year and my heart breaks for them.  Our family Christmas will look a little different this year.
As you prepare for Christmas this year don't worry about how many gifts you need to buy for your kids.  Don't spend all of your time out shopping and spending all of your money on presents.  Spend your time making memories with your children.  Enjoy every moment that you have with them.  They need your presence more than presents.  When your children are older they won't look back and remember how many gifts were under the tree, but how you took the time to make a gingerbread house, or sing Christmas carols, or spent the evening driving around looking at Christmas lights.  I know that some of my best memories of Christmas involve the things I did with my family.  So when your children wake you up before the sun rises on Christmas morning with so much anticipation remember those that are just wishing to have that too.  May this Christmas be the beginning of new traditions, making memories, and spending time with the ones you love.  Merry Christmas from the Kesners.

Optimistic

Well the time has come.  We reached the end of our two weeks on Saturday and I was able to take a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  Through these past two weeks Jordan and I have been very optimistic.  We have prayed and begged to God that this time would work.  Every morning during my quite time I would pour out my heart and my desire to experience pregnancy.  This time around it just felt different.  We discussed how and when we were going to tell our families.  We had started making plans like it was really happening.  On Friday night we talked with each other about how we were felling.  We knew the next morning would end our wishful thinking time and come about what the truth really was.  We were both so nervous about it.  We had enjoyed this wait a little more, even with the fact we had both been sick.
Saturday morning arrived.  I didn't set my alarm because I wanted to try to get as much sleep as possible (I knew Saturday would be a long day helping with my cousin's wedding).  I woke up early, of course.  I laid in bed for a while thinking.  I wanted to take the test to see a positive, but I was afraid to take it and see a negative.  After about 30 minutes of laying there I finally got up.  Jordan was still sleeping so I quietly went in the bathroom.  I sat waiting for the time to pass and not looking at the test until I knew it had been the time it needed to be.  I saw just that one line staring back at me.  My heart sank.  Those hopes were gone and replaced with the reality that it didn't happen.  I crawled back into bed and shared the news with Jordan.
Jordan and I started our duties of helping with the wedding at noon on Saturday so we spent the morning talking, crying, and sleeping.  I knew that with everything that was going to happen the rest of the day I needed to get my tears out so that I could spend the afternoon and evening celebrating.
As you know from our last post, we are know taking a break from doctors and procedures.  We have been through a lot these past two years.  We have experienced stress both financially and emotionally.  We have grown closer to each other.  We have continued to learn how to fully lean into God for strength.  Our lives have forever been impacted by this journey.  We are excited to see how God will use these experiences in our lives.  We have several thoughts on what we will do now.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Some days are harder to get through than others.  We have different options we are discussing and praying about.  Thank you for all of the support you have shown us through this.