Optimistic

Well the time has come.  We reached the end of our two weeks on Saturday and I was able to take a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  Through these past two weeks Jordan and I have been very optimistic.  We have prayed and begged to God that this time would work.  Every morning during my quite time I would pour out my heart and my desire to experience pregnancy.  This time around it just felt different.  We discussed how and when we were going to tell our families.  We had started making plans like it was really happening.  On Friday night we talked with each other about how we were felling.  We knew the next morning would end our wishful thinking time and come about what the truth really was.  We were both so nervous about it.  We had enjoyed this wait a little more, even with the fact we had both been sick.
Saturday morning arrived.  I didn't set my alarm because I wanted to try to get as much sleep as possible (I knew Saturday would be a long day helping with my cousin's wedding).  I woke up early, of course.  I laid in bed for a while thinking.  I wanted to take the test to see a positive, but I was afraid to take it and see a negative.  After about 30 minutes of laying there I finally got up.  Jordan was still sleeping so I quietly went in the bathroom.  I sat waiting for the time to pass and not looking at the test until I knew it had been the time it needed to be.  I saw just that one line staring back at me.  My heart sank.  Those hopes were gone and replaced with the reality that it didn't happen.  I crawled back into bed and shared the news with Jordan.
Jordan and I started our duties of helping with the wedding at noon on Saturday so we spent the morning talking, crying, and sleeping.  I knew that with everything that was going to happen the rest of the day I needed to get my tears out so that I could spend the afternoon and evening celebrating.
As you know from our last post, we are know taking a break from doctors and procedures.  We have been through a lot these past two years.  We have experienced stress both financially and emotionally.  We have grown closer to each other.  We have continued to learn how to fully lean into God for strength.  Our lives have forever been impacted by this journey.  We are excited to see how God will use these experiences in our lives.  We have several thoughts on what we will do now.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Some days are harder to get through than others.  We have different options we are discussing and praying about.  Thank you for all of the support you have shown us through this.

Here we go

This week has been full of emotions.  Wednesday Jordan and I went to the doctor for our follicle measuring appointment.  My follicles were not measuring large enough. They beloved that we were just a couple days early. We scheduled another appointment for Friday. My follicles had grown and were large enough to do the trigger shot. Today we are doing our 5th IUI (3rd with this doctor).  Going through another IUI we are filled with the normal emotions as we had for the other ones, but we also have some more this time.  Jordan and I have decided that if this IUI doesn't work we will be taking a break for a while.  We have been through several IUIs and with that comes a lot of emotions and a lot of expenses.  The whole process has become draining on both of our emotions and our finances.  We have enjoyed the journey we have been on and all the learning experiences we have had.  We don't want people to think we are giving up but we know that right now we just can't go through any more.

So as we go into today and the next two weeks I ask that you keep us in your prayers.  We would love for this time to work and not have to worry about taking a break.  We would love to be able to report back to you in two weeks that we are pregnant.  We know that the chance is still there for it not to work and that we may have a longer wait ahead of us.  Pray that we have the patience we need to make it through the wait.

Dealing with infertility is hard.  It's hard to explain to others what you are feeling and for them to sympathize with you if they haven't experienced it themselves.  I want to share this quote that someone else had posted on Facebook to help a little.  "Infertility is a loss.  It's the loss of a dream.  It's the loss of an assumed future.  And, like every loss, it will be grieved."