Rough Patch

We had our second fundraising yard sale a little over three weeks ago.  It was a great success and we have plenty of items left to try one more yard sale this fall.  If you have items be sure to let us know!!

The past couple weeks have been rough.  Going through different life situations and talking with different family and friends I try my best to describe or explain what it is like for us.  I never feel I can accurately let others know though.  I also have come to know that even though I try my best to explain to others what we are feeling it will never be enough.  If you have not experienced infertility personally you really don't completely understand the feelings.  I just recently came across this blog post from Elisha over on waitingforbabybird.com.  I am begging all of our friends and family to really take the time to read it.  Don't just skim over it but take the time to read the words and try to imagine yourself going through this.

Infertility is More than Just the Inability to Conceive…

I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been traveling this journey for months or even years.  But I think we can all agree that it is tough.  Really tough.  And when I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. Were you?  Because for me, I was naive.  I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying. And rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now?  Four years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused?  And then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage?  And I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same.  Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive…

Because I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month. And it’s almost like a grave that keeps following you around as it grabs your hope and swallows, even buries more and more of your dreams with each failed cycle. It’s a fierce battle between your hope, your faith and your circumstances.  A battle you must fight to win every day. And a battle that is exhausting.

Infertility is letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents.  But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test.  It’s going from shock after seeing only one line.  To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other.  All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible.  And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t.  And possibly won’t.  At least not this time.  It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month.  And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again.  Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not.  Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight.  Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.

It is watching your life be put on hold.  Or even pushed backwards.  It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe.  And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy.  Or punished for some past sin.

Infertility is a disease.  Yes, a disease that often times makes you feel different.  Alone.  Insecure.  Embarrassed. Forgotten.  Broken.  And Overlooked.  It makes you avoid the ones you love and doubt the God you serve.  It suffocates your hope.  Weakens your faith.  And steals your joy.  It makes you feel helpless as there is little you can do to change your condition.  And if there is?  You have tried it.

It’s sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery.  It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from the pitter patters of tiny feet in the morning or giggles from bath time at night.  It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every vitamin recommended, test suggested, treatment procedure offered, medicine given, and diet instructed.

Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love.  It’s dreaming of the day you are able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store.  It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared to death that this dream might never happen.

It’s breaking down and purchasing the blanket…that one soft blanket you absolutely fell in love with in the store. And it’s bringing it home and holding it up to your cheek while laying in bed and wondering.  Wondering if it will ever be used for something other than to soak up your tears every night.

Infertility is begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you.  But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t.  It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best.  His timing is perfect.  And that it will happen.  One day…you hope.  It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to me despite my feelings and circumstances.  All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such a blessing.  It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating.  It’s gut-wrenching…

And it’s more than just the inability to conceive. 

Another step closer

Two weeks ago today I was busy pricing and sorting items for our yard sale.  I was so anxious for our first big fundraiser event for our adoption.  For over two weeks our dining and living rooms become flooded with items that people were donating for our yard sale.  As the items started coming in I started to get excited that we were actually going to have some items to sell.  As the days went on and more people started to drop items off our house seemed to grow smaller and smaller.  As our house was growing smaller our hearts were growing bigger.  With every drop off we could feel the love more and more.  As I sorted through more items than I could count I was just amazed.  People we didn't even know were giving us items to sell.  Our hearts were already so full going into Friday morning.

Friday started out way too early but we managed to get everything out and set up in time.  As I stood looking over all the tables and 2 1/2 yards that were filled up I was amazed.  As the hours flashed by I was overwhelmed with the amount of people that stopped.  One of my favorite memories from Friday's sale was a lady that came to pay for her items and asked if I was the adopting mom.  When I told her yes she thanked me for what I was doing and told me that she is a birth mom.  She gave us a little extra money than what she owed and a big hug.  At that moment I was reminded that this is something truly amazing.  Friday's sale included a lemonade stand by our niece and nephew and some cotton candy attempts by Jordan and our friend, Mike.  We had such beautiful weather and fun times on the first day!
Saturday started out just as early as Friday but it seemed a whole lot harder to wake up!  Thankfully we had a successful day on Friday so Saturday begin with fewer items.  Saturday's sale started out a little slower than Friday but started picking up late morning.  My dad enjoyed manning the grill and selling his famous hot dogs!  Saturday I was touched by someone who just walked up to me and handed me money and said, "I saw your sign and just wanted to give this to you."  I don't know his story or why he felt the need to give to our adoption but it really meant a lot.
After the two days were over we were exhausted but filled with so much joy.  We couldn't have pulled this successful yard sale off without the help of friends and family assisting with the sale and all the wonderful people who donated their unused items to the sale.  Our love tanks were overflowing!  We will hopefully be doing another yard sale this summer so if you missed out on the first one you can catch us again soon!
On the adoption side of things we are so excited for next week.  We have raised enough money to cover our first step of the adoption and start the home study process!  We are currently becoming pros at filling out paperwork and learning all about our extended family.  So stick with us as we take this next step and hold more fundraisers!

The Next Step

I've been struggling with the start of this post.  I type something then delete it, and repeat.  For the past three weeks I have been wanting to post and think about what I want to say.  So now that I sit here to type it everything is trying to come out at once...and I never said I was a good writer!!  Jordan and I celebrated our anniversary this past month and were reminded how lucky we are to have each other.  Through this past year we have been through a lot of trials that only helped us grow stronger together.  We love every moment we have together.  I also turned 30 in March!  It was a bittersweet day.  I hear all these people say that their 30s are their best years, but I'm entering them still childless.  I know there are a lot of couples that don't have kids until after 30 but growing up that is never what I had envisioned and it was hard.
Since talking a break from infertility doctors and treatments Jordan and I have done a lot of praying and talking.  We begin doing some research on adoption and seeing how that may fit into our lives.  Our hearts were being changed and God was leading us down a different path.  We have now met with two different adoption agencies and decided this is for us!  We are so very excited to announce we are in the beginning steps of adopting!!  As I sat listening to them tell stories about birth mothers and what they had been through, or stories of the adoptive parents getting the child they had so desperately been waiting for, I started seeing Jordan and I standing there in the hospital holding our own precious new baby.  It finally hit me that I can still be a mom and God will still fulfill the desires of my heart.  So as we embark on this new exciting journey we are asking for your help.  There are many expenses that come along with adoption.  So if you feel it in your heart to help us out in any way you can just head on over here!  Please know that we will be forever grateful for anything you can do.  So cheers to The Kesners + 1!